Hypothalamic Amenorrhea - how I am combating this condition

I am very nervous to talk about this as my whole livelihood is based around girls becoming the best and healthiest versions of themselves. However how can I help people if I am not my healthiest self. So it is time I make a change.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this/knew of someone who had been through this for as long as I have to be there for support, to know what to do, how long it takes to get your period back etc etc.

I have been suffering from Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA) for over a year now. For those who do not know what this is - this is a condition where you lose your period for at minimum of three months due to your hypothalamus not releasing enough GnRH, this can lead to very low oestrogen levels. HA can lead to many long term problems like bone density issues and fertility problems later down the line.

From numerous visits to the GP in the first few months, to blood tests, to scans - I was basically not really given any clear guidance of what was going on. My first few trips to the doctor I was told, oh it is normal don’t worry about it just give it a few more months stress can cause your period to go away but it will come back. It got to about 8 months down the line and I decided enough was enough I needed to find out what was going on and I was tired of being told to just “wait it out”. I went to a Women’s clinic and got literally everything tested from inside & out.

The only thing that didn’t come back normal was the fact I had a few cysts on one ovary, which apparently is not enough to be diagnosed with PCOS, and my oestrogen was very low. So again, Western medicine was a bit stumped, and the answer was ‘go back on the pill’. After almost a year of trying to get to the bottom of things, the result I was given was go back on the pill, this was completely disheartening.

After this, I was confident there must be some other way, so I booked myself in to have a consultation with a Naturopath and Nutritional Therapist. I am such a strong believer that food is fuel, so I decided I would use it as medicine too. I really wanted to get to the root cause of my condition and my naturopath helped me to dig deeper.

A conclusion was made that there were likely numerous factors that contributed to the onset of HA - one being cutting carbohydrates out of my diet completely for two weeks, and largely restricting them there after for a significant amount of time. I am not saying this was the exact cause, but this was definitely a catalyst. I also increased my exercise by a lot around the same time as I started doing my PT qualification, whilst just moving to a brand new country. So there were a lot of factors. However, severely cutting carbs out of my diet lead to my restriction behaviours with food that I am only just combatting now. Improper fuel, and too much exercise has ultimately lead to where I am today, still with no period.

I think I went from eating too little carbs, to eating too little fats when I started calorie counting and ultimately putting myself in deficits that were too little and totally unattainable for my body and lifestyle. So I would just end up overeating on bad foods on the weekends, and not nourishing my body with the healthy foods that I would eat during the week. And for my line of work, and passion (fitness) - food is absolutely essential for muscle recovery and growth. However I was just thrown into the whole instagram highlight reel seeing how other people ate and thinking, oh well if they can restrict that much and still be healthy then I must be able to - this is just a vicious cycle. Remember the best diet is the one you can adhere to, not the one that you see on someones highlight reel - and let me tell you that is probably 20% of their normal food intake.

The reason I wanted to bring my condition to light and make this public is because I am sure there are other girls out there who are in the same position and need support - I wish I had read something like this when I first lost my period. Just know you are not alone. Normal girls, with normal lives and normal bodies go through this too (this condition is usually seen in anorexics, ballerinas, gymnasts etc, anyone with basically 0% body fat).

It is so important for us to listen to our bodies, and I don’t want anyone else to have to go through what I am going through feeling uncertain, and letting it get to a point where the effects are almost irreversible, and harder to come back from. If you are in my position, over a year on with no period, you can get it back! You may just have to put in the work, and be okay with taking a step back, as well as gaining a few pounds. Shifting your mindset is the hardest part, especially when you have been dieting/over exercising for so long, you believe this is the way it is meant to be done. But your body is literally telling you that the way you are living your life means you are not fit to carry a baby. Something needs to change.

Here are the steps I am taking to help heal my body and gain back my cycle:

• EATING what I want, when I am hungry, until I am satisfied. Now when I say what I want, I love eating healthy and my body craves healthy food, so I am nourishing my body, and am conscious of this - remember you have to use food as medicine. Roughly I am sitting anywhere between 2,000 - 2,500 calories per day. I have a very active job so this is probably around maintenance/just above for me.

• Introducing more HEALTHY FATS into my diet. From trying the keto diet last year, I almost went the other way and basically cut out any form of fats from my diet for the fear of the caloric content. However, fats are absolutely essential for hormone growth, repair, and rebalancing. I have added 10g of flax seeds to my morning oats, as well as two brazil nuts per day as conscious change as these are phytoestrogens (oestrogen boosting foods). I have also started cooking in olive oil and coconut oil instead of using spray (and my food tastes so much better), lastly, I am not being so stingy with my avocado portions hehe. This is all I am doing in terms of increasing fats and it is making a massive difference. I feel satiated after every meal, do not feel the need to snack or binge, and I have more energy (fats are your long term energy store). On top of this my skin is bloody fantastic, huge bonus for me.

• SUPPLEMENTS - introducing these slowly, just one every couple of days as I if I have any adverse reactions, I want to know what is causing this. I have started taking a Vitamin D supplement, a fish oil/evening primrose oil blend, I am also going to introduce some pre and probiotics, a hormone balancing supplement and an inflammation/stress easing supplement. I will touch more on these as I introduce them.

• EXERCISE - this will be my biggest challenge, however my overexercising is a serious contribution to my HA. I absolutely love exercise and being active in every way, however the recommendation for me at the moment is to exercise three days a week and reduce my steps from 10,000 to 5,000 per day. This is not forever I am sure, but just until I have everything back on track. Considering I teach 12 classes a week, as well as have private clients, my job just requires me to basically be exercising all the time. This is why my food is so important and that is going to be my main focus. Hopefully when lockdown eases and gyms open again I will not be required to actually pretty much do all my classes, as most of them are online. At the moment, I am doing all of my classes purely bodyweight, on top of this I have just started resistance training again twice a week, with a bit of skipping here and there. This sounds like an awful lot still as I am writing it down, I still have work to do but its a slow process for me considering I am actually a fitness addict :’D

• there are a few other little things I am implementing like educating myself with books, dry body brushing to boost circulation and reduce inflammation, little naps here and there if I feel tired etc etc etc.

I am very excited to document this, and I truly believe I will be able to get my cycle back without having to go back on the pill or doing anything artificial. I will document the whole process and anything new I learn from my experience and educating myself, as I would love to have had something like this from someone I know, or just to know that I was not alone and there are others around going through the same thing. So if you are, or know someone that is suffering from what they think might be HA, then please reach out, read this, and share with anyone who needs to read this. Even if you are not suffering, but you feel stressed, burned out, overworked, anxious - these are all signs that your body is telling you to slow down, take a break, and maybe there is something in your life you need to change, not forever, but for a little while. Our bodies talk to us and we mustn’t ignore what they have to say <3

Being Kind to Yourself

Why do we part take in exercising and dieting? To feel better about ourselves - so why turn it into something we hate or dread, therefore won’t be able to sustain long term by adhering to restrictive diets and stupid exercise regimes that will burn us out?

I listened to Body Kindness this morning written by Rebecca Scritchfield and it really sparked a lot of thoughts for me surrounding the way we have been conditioned to perceive food and exercise due to the diet culture. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has not read it.

We believe looking a certain way, or earning a certain amount of money is going to make us happy, in actual fact, only 10% of our happiness comes from these surface layer factors. A whopping 40% of our happiness comes from our daily choices - so if you choose every day to restrict yourself from things you love, the long term happiness reward will be less than the happiness you would be feeling if you just allowed yourself these pleasures, in moderation. 

You can do this and still achieve your goals. 

I don’t know about you but I bloody love food - it is such a pleasure for me, why would I want to take the enjoyment out of something I love for a physique that will probably leave me once I have finished dieting in a worse place than when I started. No thank you. 

Is it just me, or when you diet, all you can do is fantasise about bingeing on a whole heap of bad food. But if you don’t restrict anything, your body will actually start craving healthy food. Yes you will have days where you want chocolate, or pizza, but this becomes the exception not the rule. Whereas, with dieting, it is kind of the other way round. 

Diet culture has labeled foods as healthy and unhealthy, however I do not like to look at it this way. There are some foods that will make you feel good physically, and some foods that will make you feel good mentally - and I believe it is important to have both. 

Why are we conditioned to believe some things are healthy and unhealthy - this gives the unhealthy foods a sort of ‘forbidden fruit label’ creating anxiety around them if you do eat them. This anxiety around food is actually the most unhealthy part. And conditioning us to believe we should absolutely stay away from these foods, makes us want them more! So strip these labels! 

Food is not there to add to your stress, there are plenty of other life factors for that. Food is there to be enjoyed, so let it be just that. Listen to your body, and I guarantee most of the time, you will opt for the “healthier” option, because when we eat intuitively and recognise the kinds of foods that make us feel good physically, we are more likely to choose them more often. And these foods can be different for everyone, we are all unique. 

So please do not associate your meals with guilt. 

This brings me onto my next point - exercise.

Another thing that stood out to me in Rebecca’s book was the astonishing amount of people who only engage in exercise to counteract the food they are eating. I have to say, I put my hands up to be guilty of this, and I didn’t even realise I was until listening to Rebecca’s book. Especially during lockdown, I feel like we are all engaging in tons of extra exercise to counteract our food choices. This is totally the wrong way to look at it. 

After realising that I was succumbing to this maladaptive mental thought, I asked myself - what does exercise really mean to me deep down? 

My answer: it is my absolute passion, it is my life, my career, my therapy, my meditation, my escape, my happiness and lastly, it is my boss bitch moment. Truly exercise really makes me feel like a strong, powerful boss a** bitch. So why in the hell was I associating this with my negative mindset towards food?! (Little side note, I know I have said all of the above, but I am only human and I still have a negative relationship with food due to the way we have been conditioned by diet culture and the fitness industry - it is ever improving and adhering to intuitive eating, allowing myself to have whatever I want etc etc is really helping. But there are sometimes where I just feel like I need to restrict everything - I am in the process of practicing what I preach, but I am not an expert there yet). 

An example of me forcing myself to exercise during quarantine due to consumption of food: I, as with many others, have been jumping on the excessive cardio train. I started running - and to be honest, I hate running. I don’t enjoy it when I am doing it, and I just feel tired and sick at the end of it. But I thought I had to because my movement has gone down so much. But then I thought to myself, it is stupid to engage in a form of exercise that doesn’t make me happy when my relationship with other types of exercise is so positive and strong. And let me tell you - WALKING is now my new best friend. BQ (before quarantine), I would probably walk around 15,000 steps per day between gyms. And it was my me time, and I missed this. So, every morning now, at 6am I wake up, and take myself on a 5k walk. It is amazing, I bloody love it. It’s quiet, no one is awake yet, just me, my thoughts and my podcasts (I get all my education now in my morning hourly walk, for business, mindset, nutrition, fitness etc). So I am learning, it makes me feel good, sets me up for a productive day, and I am getting more steps in than if I was running, that’s what matters more to me. Exercise doesn’t have to be and shouldn’t be a chore, just move your body in a way you love. 

If you find yourself feeling as if you are forcing yourself to part take in some form of exercise, maybe step back and think why? And what alternative can you do that you love, that will have the same outcome?

This is such a ramble, but I just want to wrap up following on from this with my last little point I took away from Rebecca’s book - which is body image vs body kindness. What we see in the mirror is always going to change, and is never going to be the same as that girl you are comparing yourself to on instagram. So instead of fixating on what you want to change, be kind to your body. Focus on the change you have already made, how far you have come, how your body has changed for you, and how it will continue to change, if you are just kind to it. 

Lets put a bulldozer to diet culture and live well because we love our bodies and we want to be kind to them, and help them be the best they can be, not “eat healthy” in diet culture terms (restriction, stress, anxiety, binge repeat) because we hate our bodies and want to change them. 

Your body is uniquely yours, please don’t ever think you want or need to change anything, just think about what you can do to make your body (and mind), the best version you can make it. 

Getting Back on Track - how to achieve your goals in 2020

I love January. I know for some it is a dreaded month. However, it is a month where we all hit reset on our lives. We have blown out over Christmas and New Year, and most of us have this new found motivation to be the best version of ourselves - the ‘new year new me’ blah blah.

There is something about going into a new year, not much changes, but it does feel like a fresh start. I know it is cliche, but I say ride with it, the impact of making a new, healthy start can only effect you positively. I say, utilise whatever motivation you have, at whatever time it surfaces, this doesn’t have to apply to just January - but this is a time when most of us are in the same boat.

Now, for getting back on track, it is important that you do not adopt an all or nothing approach. For example, if you are someone who never goes to the gym, then in January decides to go 6x per week, come February, you will be back to square one. That is just not sustainable. Remember it is a marathon not a sprint. Start slow, maybe go once or twice a week, and build up from there. I guarantee this will be more effective, you will actually enjoy going, it will then become a long term habit, not a chore. The results you see will be much more significant. You can build up to the 6 times a week, but don’t start there. You don’t make it to the top of the mountain without climbing it first. This applies to anything you want to start, not just fitness. For example with me, I need a serious reset after Christmas, but I am not doing anything that I don’t usually do in my normal routine. I am just eating and training the same as I normally would. I am not placing any food restrictions on myself. I have just decided to cut out refined sugar and alcohol. Which for me are do-able (the sugar part will be hard, just as I have such a sweet tooth, but I eat too much of it and I am aware that I need to change, my skin is telling me this). I am cutting out alcohol purely because of the amount I consumed over the holidays, my body just needs a break. These two things I am only doing for January, and after that, I will do my best to practice moderation.

This brings me onto another point, as you can see, my changes are not drastic, but the changes I have made, have a reasoning behind them. Really figure out your why when it comes to habits you want to make or break, so when it gets tough, you can go back to your why and re-spark your motivation. It will be tough, be aware of this. Especially if you are looking to break a habit that you have been a slave to for years. This brings me onto my third point…

Get yourself some support. Say your new year goals out loud, tell your family and friends, write them down. You are far more likely to achieve something if it is actually written down in front of you and you have said it out loud. Telling your family and friends means you are now accountable to someone else, and if you do'n’t manage to achieve what you set out to do, you will feel like you have let them down. So this is a good motivator. Me and my family have created a Dry Jan Whatsapp group (lol) because we are all doing it together, and it really helps. Just small things like checking in at the end of each day to say you have achieved your goal for the day, and others are there to support and encourage.

Lastly, If you are like me, a new year is not just about what behaviours you want to change for the month of January. It is a chance to look toward the whole year and set some long term goals. For me personally, I have certain business goals I want to achieve within my industry, as well as personal goals and fitness goals. I think it is important to write these down, daily if you can. If you want something, be clear on what that is and keep it in your mind, because what you focus on will grow. I do believe it is manifesting your own reality to an extent, however the more you think about something, the more you are likely to take action on it. So it is ultimately down to you and how you choose to behave to get to where you want to be. So be clear on what you want, and implement the steps to get there. You will surely have to step out of your comfort zone, as no one has ever become a better/more successful person by staying in their comfort zone, but it will be worth it. Don’t think about the fact it is scary or uncomfortable, just move, and think later - I guarantee your thoughts after you have stepped out of your comfort zone will be totally different to the thoughts you had before doing so. Action over thought.

The best diet that will get you the results you have been looking for

I have felt such a strong urge to write this post in the past few days as I feel I have not been completely honest about my food and diet journey, and what I am currently doing.

I have never ever been satisfied with the way I look - to be honest I don’t think anyone is. Especially in the line of work I have chosen, my body is basically my livelihood. A personal training career has always been my dream career - for as long as I can remember. And for the longest time, it was just that, a dream because I did not think my body fat percentage was low enough to be a PT, or my glutes were not big enough etc etc. There would always be a limiting belief created by myself that was standing in my way. So this stopped me from going after the career path I wanted. As a result of this, I partied too much, never dieted (I ate well, just probably too much, and the wrong food groups at the wrong times - my diet was basically 100% carbs and not much else). But I consistently showed up to the gym, and educated myself on weight training, because I just loved it, and the way it made me feel.

It was not until the beginning of this year, when I started working at a gym whilst looking for full time corporate work in London, that I actually thought - to be honest, I f**ing love it here and I feel like this is where I belong. As soon as I stepped in that gym, I just knew, and there was no turning back for me - I had to be a personal trainer. At this point I was seriously suffering with my skin issues as well, and I decided to really do some research into diets and what to eat to become shredded, that would clear my skin and give me all the energy in the world. Diets are glorified, trendy, and everyone wants to believe there is a quick fix to get them to where they want to be - so when you try and do research into optimal diets for fat loss - these are the first things you will come across. I fell right into this trap, and believed that I needed to be on some crazy restrictive diet to achieve my goals. So I basically tried out Keto on and off for 6 months, truly believing this was the answer to my fat loss conundrum. I am going to be honest, I saw great results very fast, I lost a load of weight in two weeks and my skin cleared up pretty much instantly. But I was f**ing miserable. I hated it, I was awful to be around, slowly my energy started deteriorating, I couldn’t lift as heavy as I usually would, I had no social life (which is depressing for a 22 y-o who has just moved back to London to be close to her friends), and every couple of weeks I would just go full out binge, my stomach was like an empty pit - then I would be back to square one and I would repeat the cycle again. This was really no way to live, and in my opinion, mental health is just as/if not more important than physical health, because if you are not mentally fit - you simply will not get where you want to be physically. Your mind is your most powerful muscle, if it is not keen, you wont do it.

The thing this little diet adventure did teach me however, was the importance of a balanced plate. I saw all those great results in the initial because my body had never really been used to eating a balanced macro plate in its life. So yes, increasing my protein intake and fat intake was great for my skin and my health, because our bodies thrive off this, but restricting carbs in the long run is just not something I can recommend - we need them to function, and we need them to be happy.

So from here, I decided that the carb restricting was just not for me. I then went on to believing that clean eating was THE way to achieve the figure I desired. Yes, clean eating makes you feel bloody great. I had energy again, my lifting significantly improved, I was losing weight, my skin stayed clear, I was fun to be around. But I still was not satisfied with my diet - I found every time I went out for dinner, or on holiday, no rules applied and I would still proceed to binge like crazy to the point where I felt sick. I thought it was because I was eating these unhealthy foods that my body was not used to, but in actual fact, I was honestly just stuffing myself, which ultimately was putting my body under stress.

So this takes me to where I am at now. I am going to be real, I am currently sitting at 20% body fat, which is such a healthy range for an average female. I am still trying to shed a little bit of fat, and it is working! But here is the thing, I am not actively trying, I have a goal in my head (I wont say what it is because that’s my personal goal), its not a dramatic decrease, I am just being mindful about not exceeding a certain amount of calories per day to keep me in a slight deficit that is sustainable and will help me reach my goal, and making sure I am hitting the macros that work for me. I am 99% certain I have PCOS so for me, it is good to save my carbohydrates for around my workouts. But other than that, I am just enjoying my food. I do love eating healthy, my body definitely thrives off this so I would say 80% of my diet is healthy, but if I feel like a glass of wine with my friends, I’m guna have it, if I want a date night, I’ll go for it, if I want to eat Kinder Bueno every day, I will (in moderation). I think the key is to enjoy what you are doing to get yourself to your healthy goal, be excited about it, and be excited about that treat here and there because you bloody deserve it for working hard.

I have honestly never been happier with my body than I am right now, I may not be the leanest Personal Trainer out there, but to me that is not what it is about. I do it because I want to help people, that is my true passion, I want to help people change their lives through what I truly love, and that is exercise and health.

And I believe my physique is attainable because I am the definition of your average girl. Doesn’t have abs, struggles to shift body fat and gain muscle quickly - but I have worked hard, and I have transformed my body, and I am very proud of what I have achieved, and I want to help other girls, in a world of unrealistic instagram goals - feel the same way. I am in no rush, I am just working towards a goal that is achievable for me, without decrementing my mental, social and physical health, but enhancing them.

A last note I want to put here before I will stop rambling on I promise is please do not compare yourself to what you see online. These teeny girls you see on Instagram are literally less than 1% of the population, they are not genetically normal, or they are putting themselves at risk to look like that. If you think of how many people you see face to face on a daily basis that look like that, the answer is probably less than a couple per week. Strive to be the best version of you, not someone else <3